I look at other mommies and their blogs and their pregnancy photos and I just begin to envy them.
I feel like they're just so pretty. I'm so jealous! I never really learned to embrace my pregnancy. I felt shy and awkward, and sometimes still do.
I walked around on campus going to class and was stared at like some monkey in a circus act.
I'm not twelve, but I'm not finished with my career either.
I still don't know what I'm going to do once this baby is out in this world under my care.
Should I go and finish school? How long should I plan to be in school? What about Work? It's so hard to find a legit stay at home job of interest. I'm not a salesperson and I definitely can't host anything since I moved back to my mother's house for help with my soon to be born munchkin.
I never spent hours in a mall at a maternity store. I haven't spent any time at a children's clothes store. I have loads and loads of clothing that was gifted to us. But I haven't had reality sink in just yet.
I haven't had a mommy feeling apart from movements from my peanut. I just still don't know what to believe. Or why. I just want to Gym again, work again, school again and have my nights out. I feel like I'm terrible for feeling this way.
Then I have my moments that I just can't wait to see her in my arms. I can't wait for us to bake and finger paint and build forts and play with bubble in the bath. I cant wait to have my own little partner in crime. My mini-me. <3
I feel like I came into this world with a purpose, but have yet to leave any sort of tracks.
I feel like I have something I need to do.
But I just can't right now. I'm in my room living like an 18 year old arguing with siblings and feeling obliged to do my part as a renter in my mom's home.
I feel horrible for wanting to get away from it, just wanting to live with my little munchkin in our own home. I just need more space other than a room.
But in due time. I know God has a plan for us all and I know my time will come. For me and my peanut to grow and shine :)
Oh Joanna it is 100% normal to feel this way! Trust me! I was so overwhelmed with the idea of being a Mom and everything chancing for me. Do I look back on my days of being childless? Not anymore, because I have found that my baby enriches my life in a way that what I did without him could never compare to. I still have found time to go to the gym and go to school full time. I do miss school when he is sick or when my husband has to work, but I adjust. I know I will have to go to work some day when we are done having kids...but for now just having a budding photography career and being a Mommy is good enough. Everything will work out. Your whole world and mind set will change as soon as you hold her in your arms for the first time.
ReplyDeleteDina, Thank you so much for your words!!! I felt immediately at ease once I read them ::)
ReplyDeleteI now have my little one and I know exactly what you meant :)